Step by Step
by annonymouse
Summary: A one shot telling Sanzo's side of a Sanzo/Hakkai relationship. Not really angsty and not really fluffy. My first try! I hope you like it!


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Title: Step by Step  
**Author:** annonymouse  
**Disclaimer:** I do not own anything here except the plot! Don't sue me =)  
**Author's notes:** I noticed that in most Sanzo/Hakkai pairing things are mostly seen through Hakkai's eyes. This time it's Sanzo's POV. So I hope you enjoy it. Also… I'm sorry if I got anything wrong! I's a converted fan, I just started liking this stuff not too many days ago, and you'll notice I don't use any Japanese terms, it's because I'm not Japanese and I'm afraid of using the wrong thins at the wrong time! Anyway… Enjoy!

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Sanzo watches the figure next to him, peacefully breathing in a slow pattern. He traced the figure with his eyes, dark locks of hair covered the other's eyes entirely as he lay on his side. The moonlight gently wrapped him in it's embrace. The dark haired youkai was slightly curling towards him, if beautiful was a word made for males, Cho Hakkai was definitely someone you would use it on. He may not be the drop dead gorgeous type, but Sanzo had always felt at peace when he looked at his lover. If that was what you could call them. Sanzo was entranced. Bewitched by the sight of Hakkai.

He knew Hakkai was not asleep. Like him, the other man seemed to hate the world they had no control over. Where the past can haunt you, replaying images that you dearly wish you can forget. But he also knew Hakkai would not utter a word until he does.

An inner struggle ensues within him. It was like this every night. Should he or should he not say something? Should he hold the other in his arms? Should he tell him what he means to this heartless monk? For months they had been 'seeing' each other, but in the long months, not once had words been said as they approached each other. Each knowing what the other wanted without anything spoken.

He opens his mouth but nothing comes out. With a slight growl he threw his legs on the floor. He ran a hand through his tussled locks of light and stood. After searching for a pack of cigarettes to calm him, he sat by the window. 

The cool night air greeted him as he opened a window slightly. He didn't want Hakkai to ask him what was wrong. He didn't want Hakkai to wake… If he was indeed asleep. He needed the time to think.

He glanced at the body on the bed. They were so different. In looks and personality. While others see him as the sun, bright and shinning with hope, they saw Hakkai as the night. Not the scary nights where danger lurks, but the soft night where lovers stroll beneath the stars. A night that would cocoon people in it's safety, murmuring words of comfort so that peaceful sleep would come. Sometimes he laughed at the very idea.

Sometimes he laughed at the irony of everything. He saw himself as the night. Mysterious and closed to the world. A night when the air around you is charged with the unknown. And Hakkai would be the day, bringing the night reign to an end. A bright shinning sun that caress the skin with warmth. Sometimes he thought that Hakkai should be the one carrying the Sutra.

He pictured Hakkai's smile now, soft and unwavering. One of the constants in a world where everything changes. Sometimes he felt like grabbing the man into a hug. It would be very out of character and Goku would probably be surprised but he didn't care. Hakkai seemed so lost sometimes. Drowning in his sorrow. Like he himself felt sometimes. But he always brushed away the notion of comforting Hakkai. It was inappropriate.

That was the other difference between them. Hakkai never held back, with his soft smile he would tell Sanzo everything was going to be okay every rainy night. Oddly enough, that was all the reassurance that he needed. He would grunt in reply and Hakkai would chuckle. He never comforted the other in return, not once. Not even when he knew Hakkai needed it. It wasn't really fair.

He wondered if Hakkai ever doubted his feelings. If Hakkai ever thought himself as a convenient body for the blond. He hoped not, even if he never said anything. They always seemed to know what to do without words and Sanzo never found reason to use words unnecessarily. Because sometimes words can make something beautiful meaningless.

But maybe he needed to say things sometimes.

He growled in frustration once more and took a long drag out of his lit cigarette, the nicotine calming him down. Come to think of it, was it the nicotine in cigarettes that calm people? He frowned at his own wandering thoughts. He needed to sort things out soon. Because contrary to what he tells everyone, he does care about his companions. Especially the one that had held him with barely controlled passion earlier that night. 

But what to say? To tell him that he loved him was a possibility, but if he said it now it would sound forced. Not because he didn't mean it, because he meant it. He had slowly realised it. But not yet, he couldn't knock his walls down completely, yet. He could tell him other stuff. He could comfort Hakkai when the haunted look visited his face, but Hakkai was getting more and more skilled at hiding things. He wryly smiled to himself. It seems that a certain someone was learning how to shut everyone out… Just like a certain monk.

That wasn't a good thing was it?

Was it because of their arrangement? Sanzo couldn't stand it if Hakkai changed because of him. Maybe… Maybe he needed to let go of his shields. To knock down his walls. One brick at a time. 

While lost in his thoughts he had neglected his clothes. A fact that did not go unnoticed by his companion. Hakkai smiled softly. Sanzo was slowly breaking down. One by one his barriers were crumbling. Gojyo was wrong. It was true that the monk never said words of affection and that he was never once gentle in the encounters. But Hakkai knew better, Sanzo needed time. A lot of time. He needed to come to the decision himself. Hakkai can not force Sanzo to be affectionate. Sometimes though, he wondered if Gojyo was right.

Was the man by the window so closed off in his own world that no amount of time will show change? Sometimes he feared all of this would end in hurt. But he had made his choice that day he kissed Sanzo. He had to stick it out. What will happen later be damned.

The dark haired man opened one of his eyes and saw the blond stubbing out the cigarette he was holding. Instead of taking another out, he seemed to be closing the pack. Hakkai closed his eyes hurriedly and wiped the smile off his face.

Minutes had went by, he knew the other was watching him, like he did every night before putting his clothes on at the hint of dawn. But this time something else that never happened before happened. He felt soft lips on his own. It was tentative and hesitant. So different from his normal kiss that Hakkai opened his eyes. 

In front of him sat an exquisite work of art. One who was looking at him with thawed eyes.

"Sanzo?? Is anything the matter?" Instead of answering Sanzo kissed him again, this time on his forehead.

"Sleep Hakkai. We have a long road tomorrow. I think I've disturbed you enough for one night."

"But…" A hand gently closed over his eyes and he felt another hand pushing him down as he tried to sit up. 

"One step at a time." A voice murmured by his ears. Hakkai felt Sanzo lie next to him and nodded.

Yes, one step at a time. After all, this was what he knew would happen. Looks like a certain half breed was wrong. The smile he wiped off appeared once more on his mouth. He couldn't wait to see what tomorrow would bring.


End file.
